2020 Thoughts about a difficult year….
I’m sitting here reading the presidential election updates
and I’m not sure whether to feel angry, depressed, or start bawling. This is
not the America I have known for the previous 53 years of my life. This divided,
smoking wreck.
The year started off badly. My mother died after a long
battle with dementia and a sad life battling depression and paranoia. Things,
thank heavens, she did not pass on to me (although, I do fight some seasonal
sadness in the winter by visiting someplace warm, exercising, meditating and
doing yoga). Her funeral was not what she would have wanted and I left feeling
she would have been disappointed in me. Disappointed that I had bowed out of
the planning in favor of letting my youngest brother, who lived in the same
county, take care of the details. I knew what she wanted, and I knew he didn’t.
I’ll have to ask her forgiveness in the next life, I suppose, as it was
important to her and I know she would have been appalled.
Following the funeral, the entire globe was shut down because
of a virus. We call it COVID-19 because it began in 2019 in China. It was the
middle of March and I was told to work from home. I actually still wish I could
do that. It was probably one of the handful of things that was redeeming about
the year. My husband and I sat side-by-side holding meetings online and working
on our various projects. We were some of the lucky ones; people across the
nation (and all over the world) were out of work and trying to figure out how they
were going to support their families. Even some close friends of ours experienced
a horrible time when both of their restaurants basically closed down. For
months all you could do was get take out, no sit down service at all. Shopping
was limited to grocery stores as everything else was closed. Even at the
grocery store I started using pick up service. I drove up and someone loaded up
my trunk with my online order, not because I was worried about the virus, but
because I’ve always hated grocery shopping.
My birthday came next. It was also one of the few happy
things that occurred. Our dear friends, Randy and Cindy, made me a five course
dinner of all of my favorites at their home. They were in quarantine as they
had just returned from vacation when the whole country shut down. Their kids
wouldn’t even see them at that point. Since all of us shared the same attitude
of invincibility we did things together pretty often. The dinner they made me
is something I will never forget. It was a great kindness in a time of grief
and sadness. I can still see the fairy lights and taste the key lime pie.
In spite of these happy times, there were many things I
hated. At the top of the list was wearing masks, I fought it for the first
couple of months but slowly realized I would be a social pariah if I didn’t
succumb. So, even though I didn’t (and still don’t) believe that mask wearing
does any good in stopping the spread of the virus (because of the way it is
practiced). I wear one every day for ten hours while I’m at work (and any time
I leave the house). Social distancing is another thing that came out of the
pandemic that I hate. Although, unlike mask wearing, I believe it works and I
use it because I’m forced to but also because I want to protect some of our
family members who are higher at risk. My husband’s parents are 86 and 89 and
his mother has developed bladder cancer. This “super flu” would not be kind to
them. It would probably take their lives. All year we have not touched or
hugged them and have kept our visits down. We do visit though. None of us are
willing to let a year pass at this late stage in their lives without seeing
each other. We all realize that each visit is precious.
Since the start of the pandemic in the US was in the spring,
it cancelled all of the summer activities that I love. There were no festivals,
no concerts, no live music or dancing. No fireworks or rodeos or boat races or
car shows. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But we made our own fun. On Memorial
weekend we bought a boat. A big boat. It’s a 23’ triple pontoon that we named
Hope; and Hope floats.
We spent all summer inviting different groups of friends and
our kids out for boat picnics and we played music through the excellent sound
system and even danced as we cruised up and down the Columbia River. Those are
probably my happiest memories of the year. The sunsets and back flips and
singing that occurred on that boat probably saved my sanity.
My husband and I also continued to travel. We had to cancel
several of the trips we had planned but we figured out a way to visit some
favorite places despite all the restrictions. We had planned a cruise with my
boys in April that has been rescheduled now until the end of 2021. No cruises
have traveled anywhere since March. All cruise ships have been docked. So many
things changed this year. So many things were put on hold. Anyway, Wyatt and I
went to Key West. We flew into Fort Lauderdale just weeks after they opened the
road blocks to the Keys. Roadblocks meant to hold out those who did not work or
live there. We were welcomed by restaurants and shop owners and tourist trades
of all kinds with open arms and huge smiles. After three months of being
completely shut down and nearly going bankrupt, this area that depends so
heavily on tourism was so happy to see that some people were not scared and
still had money to spend. There were actually a lot of people there. More than
I expected since travel had been extremely limited. I also went to Disney World
in Florida with three of my kids, right after it opened back up in August. We
had to wear masks the entire time, but we had a blast! Also, thirteen of us (all of
the kids and grandkids, except Ryan) went to the beach together in July. We
had beach bonfires, waded in the waves, built sand castles and played games
late into the night. I’m so glad that we didn’t forego these things. We all
needed the joy of being together.
My husband and I continued to do shorter trips to Coeur
d’Alene Idaho all summer and fall. Somehow, it ended up being this magical
place where you hardly had to wear masks at all and we went dancing in August –
dancing like before the pandemic. Rock music and bodies packed close together
on the floor, all of us sweating, laughing and smiling. Some of our best
friends joined us and none of us worried about getting sick. That is the one
thing that has remained constant through all of this; I have never been worried
about getting this flu that seems to be killing everyone, never fearful for
even a moment that my own life was in jeopardy. I’ve just been trying to figure
out how to live my life as close to normal as possible during all of this.
In spite of these happy times, much of our country was
rioting, destroying property, angry and taking it out in all the wrong ways. A
black man had been put to death in a most inhumane way by a white cop. The
divisions between races got bigger, understanding reached its limits
as the destruction continued and in some places still rages.
The summer has come to a close now and we’re half way to
winter. The vaccine seems to be coming soon. The trials have all been run. We
probably won’t see it until spring because we are not on the top of the
distribution list. Which is ok. Like I said, I’m not worried about contracting
the virus. I just want life to get back to normal and the vaccine is the answer
to that problem.
It seems there is only one last hurdle to get through as the
end of this unforgettable year approaches and that is this darn presidential
election. I still don’t understand how people can vote for a man that has been
systematically dividing and destroying our nation. He is inciting riots even
now. Not capitulating with grace (it looks like he really will lose, thank
God).
I was having a discussion about President Trump the other
day with a friend of mine. We were sitting in my living room and I was saying
how I hoped he wouldn’t win the election and she started giving me an analogy
about some people she had worked with that, I think, sums up the division in
our country.
She said that she used to work with a bartender that was
mean, bad tempered, and rude yet she preferred to work with her because she
made great drinks and got the job done quickly and efficiently. Wow! What an
eye opener. Those words do not reflect
my thinking at all. In my world, kindness counts. Respecting others matters and
the means does not justify the end. I still love my friend but we are never
going to agree about this.
So, that’s where we stand. In a country that has been under
one siege or another all year and now we have a president who won’t honor the
nations’ election laws. Someone who wants to shape the world to suit his own
purposes without considering how it effects millions of others. May God watch over
us, heal our hearts and minds, and the rift that divides our country.
